stumble upon this blog.. didn't know I have a blog here... that's good.. at least I can perhaps pour everything here...
it's really been crazy months since mid August. Because of careless-ness, out of fear, I did something silly... Few days later I failed to discover my careless-ness was linked to that silly action until someone mentioned something to me. How absent-minded I could be! I could recall the talks and the facial expressions on that Friday noon. The next day I seat in front of the com trying hard to fight back the tears as I typed the report. [panda] did came over to ask about what happened but I can't revealed to him in front of the rest. That Saturday, the deal was to go over New Bridge to look for [panda] after the report. I left early that day. [panda] was surprised to see that duplicate report I made. Nothing was said. we just hope for the best in that situation. So the next few days or rather weeks were the crucial moments. Countless sleepless nights wondering would I still get to lie on my bed the next day. Tears of fear came knocking hard and I spent hours wandering around aimlessly. That period I thought a lot 'cos was troubled over family issues too. I was prepared myself should anything bad befall on me. So ready to let go the things around me... there's nothing to be call my very own, I told myself this
still remembered that particular night I rang bud and wanted to meet up so badly. can't wait to get out of office area. That was 1st time I walked past Raffles at night 8plus. Went to bud's workplace and off to TBP for dinner. I utter not a word throughout that journey. Hardly could eat that KFC meal bud bought. Told buddy I wanted to eat ice-cream badly and bud bought me to NTUC wanting to buy a tub but ended up did not as we could never finish in a night. Went to Mac after KFC and bought sundaes instead. I utter not a word. I wanted to just keep walking, just wanting bud to be side me, though I know bug must be wondering what had happened. At the cross junction... just before I take another step, tears streaming down I called buddy. Seated down at the park I broke down once right there. Trembling... my eyes said it all. Buddy don't know what was I fearful about... nor does bug understand how I felt inwardly. Words of assurance came that buddy would always be there... it's nice to know someone is there but still it didn't ease the fear within. Buddy then walked me home. That was the last time we met face to face... few days later I got surprised by buddy's called in the night.. just wanting to know how was I. That was the last called buddy made to me. Yes after that I did rang buddy up and buddy did called up.. but there's no mention of any situations..
I miss-ed buddy... I really do. Supposed to meet buddy for dinner on Tuesday but I didn't reply. I choose not to. Cruel to myself.. I just got to.. I don't want buddy to see me with sorrowful eyes..
There was a day I saw [his] friend outside the house. I felt so uneasy. [he] broke the rules. After some light packing, I was on my way to cousin' house. On the way, I felt really down... cousins were nice. They offered to let me stayed at their house but I didn't want to impost anyone. After telling [angie] my worries, we decided to ring [dav] up. Well, [dav] spoke to me and his words made me tear silently. He knew my worries and where I was coming from. My heart sung because I know not that he can't but refused to be of any help. I held my heartache and tears and went to the living room. Had a light-hearted talk with big aunt while [dav] rang [angie] again. Big aunt told me not to be influence by others. People do wrong things it's their business, we shouldn't learn that. Her understanding words hit the nail. She was puzzled by some people actions and questioned why. All I could do was to shake my head and smile bitterly..
27 Oct I went to my Big aunt house to celebrate [vic] birthday. on the 26th I phone [dav] about it and also mention about the letters. [dav] simply brushed it aside, not understanding the urgency of it. I had no choice but got [angie] and [vic] for help. I felt bad that I got to trouble [vic] on her birthday. After that letter, I wanted to get [vic] her gift so I called up [dav] for ideas. [dav] flared up and rose his voice over the phone saying it's better not to buy anything since don't know what to get. I felt angry and unjust. I rang up because we are sharing the gift. On what ground should [dav] used that tone? Mins later [dav] called and asked what am I getting. What the hell. I was si pissed with him over the letter thing in the morning, cos' he said I didn't mail him the logo; which he did not ask for in the 1st place! Now he happily asking me what I am getting for [vic]... hey didn't he was the one suggested not to get anything? I didn't want to go back the house empty handed, so I took that anger down my pride. In the night, I was already very tired but waited to go back with [dav] since same route. So [vic] and hubby plus the two of us went back at the same timing. [vic] told [dav] "hey don't keep sms-ing. Look after Angela! It's late u know?" He replied sure. Just after [vic] and hubby walked off, he told me he's walking the other side and before I could say anything, he bid bye to me. Given no choose I took that anger down my pride again. Felt so hurt by his actions. Alone I walked to the mrt in the dark... I sms-ed [angie] and [vic] about it and later on, I realised [dav] was waiting for that [doe] to bring him back.. [doe] even went to [angie] house to use toilet. Big aunt asked why [dav] didn't give me a lift since it's really late and after all I am a girl, very dangerous. [dav] told a lie that I decline his offer. Then he and that [doe] called me... if [dav] is really worried about me, he won't let me go back on my own at all. He don't even care whether would I encounter any danger in the dark. Maybe to him, I'm old enough to go back on my own??
I don't know why. I felt so hurt within. I thought his absent from home is because of his mum... but he still cares, at least towards me. After all I did nothing that upset him. But today, reality hit me hard. [angie] said it's time I got to let go and fence for myself. I was crying throughout the journey. The reality of having no one to len on in times of trouble really upset me lots. [angie] said I was emotional. Yes I am. Tell me who won't if given the same situation. If that person say no is already a liar. I then said... who would understand and feel the pain I am feeling now though [angie] said she understands. It hurts to hear that I only have the form of a family but not the substance. Now reality hits again. I have kins like I don't have. I have to tell myself I am an orphanage. I do not have a family right at the start [angie] said over the phone. It's my wishful, naive to hope for a norm family. Till date... I still tears when I touch on this topic. Is it because I loved and given much, hence explain the great unspoken pain?
who do I have to be called my very own? cousins may love me but we all know it's different from a close kin's concern. They are so far away. The days at south bridge was horrendous fearful. I do not know would I be taken away. Now I do not know what's **** next move.. all these, there's no one I could turn to. Everyday I faced the 4 walls... during times of desperate, all I could do was to look at the stars above and cry my heart out, praying for some release of load..
I am afraid to go near to anyone, for I do not know would they leave me just like how these people are. It's hurts enough to know I am but nothing in the eyes of the woman who bore me. Whatever I did for her, my concern she treated it like trash and credited my deeds to her son solely. I don't really want to meet up any friends or even buddy... though I miss them so much so much... how? Will I ended up having no one around? Next year CNY I really don't want to go any visitation. All is but just for shows. I really detest it. How I wish I can now buy a ticket and fly to Aussie to stay..
I have given my very best... my all... and if the saying is true.. I'll reap what I sow.. may I ask, why then, am I reaping such a situation after years of pouring effort? I am the foolish of all man kind.. wishful hoping for a turn-around situation.. which will never happen. It's o-v-e-r. Only myself in this world - I keep reminding xuan
it's really been crazy months since mid August. Because of careless-ness, out of fear, I did something silly... Few days later I failed to discover my careless-ness was linked to that silly action until someone mentioned something to me. How absent-minded I could be! I could recall the talks and the facial expressions on that Friday noon. The next day I seat in front of the com trying hard to fight back the tears as I typed the report. [panda] did came over to ask about what happened but I can't revealed to him in front of the rest. That Saturday, the deal was to go over New Bridge to look for [panda] after the report. I left early that day. [panda] was surprised to see that duplicate report I made. Nothing was said. we just hope for the best in that situation. So the next few days or rather weeks were the crucial moments. Countless sleepless nights wondering would I still get to lie on my bed the next day. Tears of fear came knocking hard and I spent hours wandering around aimlessly. That period I thought a lot 'cos was troubled over family issues too. I was prepared myself should anything bad befall on me. So ready to let go the things around me... there's nothing to be call my very own, I told myself this
still remembered that particular night I rang bud and wanted to meet up so badly. can't wait to get out of office area. That was 1st time I walked past Raffles at night 8plus. Went to bud's workplace and off to TBP for dinner. I utter not a word throughout that journey. Hardly could eat that KFC meal bud bought. Told buddy I wanted to eat ice-cream badly and bud bought me to NTUC wanting to buy a tub but ended up did not as we could never finish in a night. Went to Mac after KFC and bought sundaes instead. I utter not a word. I wanted to just keep walking, just wanting bud to be side me, though I know bug must be wondering what had happened. At the cross junction... just before I take another step, tears streaming down I called buddy. Seated down at the park I broke down once right there. Trembling... my eyes said it all. Buddy don't know what was I fearful about... nor does bug understand how I felt inwardly. Words of assurance came that buddy would always be there... it's nice to know someone is there but still it didn't ease the fear within. Buddy then walked me home. That was the last time we met face to face... few days later I got surprised by buddy's called in the night.. just wanting to know how was I. That was the last called buddy made to me. Yes after that I did rang buddy up and buddy did called up.. but there's no mention of any situations..
I miss-ed buddy... I really do. Supposed to meet buddy for dinner on Tuesday but I didn't reply. I choose not to. Cruel to myself.. I just got to.. I don't want buddy to see me with sorrowful eyes..
There was a day I saw [his] friend outside the house. I felt so uneasy. [he] broke the rules. After some light packing, I was on my way to cousin' house. On the way, I felt really down... cousins were nice. They offered to let me stayed at their house but I didn't want to impost anyone. After telling [angie] my worries, we decided to ring [dav] up. Well, [dav] spoke to me and his words made me tear silently. He knew my worries and where I was coming from. My heart sung because I know not that he can't but refused to be of any help. I held my heartache and tears and went to the living room. Had a light-hearted talk with big aunt while [dav] rang [angie] again. Big aunt told me not to be influence by others. People do wrong things it's their business, we shouldn't learn that. Her understanding words hit the nail. She was puzzled by some people actions and questioned why. All I could do was to shake my head and smile bitterly..
27 Oct I went to my Big aunt house to celebrate [vic] birthday. on the 26th I phone [dav] about it and also mention about the letters. [dav] simply brushed it aside, not understanding the urgency of it. I had no choice but got [angie] and [vic] for help. I felt bad that I got to trouble [vic] on her birthday. After that letter, I wanted to get [vic] her gift so I called up [dav] for ideas. [dav] flared up and rose his voice over the phone saying it's better not to buy anything since don't know what to get. I felt angry and unjust. I rang up because we are sharing the gift. On what ground should [dav] used that tone? Mins later [dav] called and asked what am I getting. What the hell. I was si pissed with him over the letter thing in the morning, cos' he said I didn't mail him the logo; which he did not ask for in the 1st place! Now he happily asking me what I am getting for [vic]... hey didn't he was the one suggested not to get anything? I didn't want to go back the house empty handed, so I took that anger down my pride. In the night, I was already very tired but waited to go back with [dav] since same route. So [vic] and hubby plus the two of us went back at the same timing. [vic] told [dav] "hey don't keep sms-ing. Look after Angela! It's late u know?" He replied sure. Just after [vic] and hubby walked off, he told me he's walking the other side and before I could say anything, he bid bye to me. Given no choose I took that anger down my pride again. Felt so hurt by his actions. Alone I walked to the mrt in the dark... I sms-ed [angie] and [vic] about it and later on, I realised [dav] was waiting for that [doe] to bring him back.. [doe] even went to [angie] house to use toilet. Big aunt asked why [dav] didn't give me a lift since it's really late and after all I am a girl, very dangerous. [dav] told a lie that I decline his offer. Then he and that [doe] called me... if [dav] is really worried about me, he won't let me go back on my own at all. He don't even care whether would I encounter any danger in the dark. Maybe to him, I'm old enough to go back on my own??
I don't know why. I felt so hurt within. I thought his absent from home is because of his mum... but he still cares, at least towards me. After all I did nothing that upset him. But today, reality hit me hard. [angie] said it's time I got to let go and fence for myself. I was crying throughout the journey. The reality of having no one to len on in times of trouble really upset me lots. [angie] said I was emotional. Yes I am. Tell me who won't if given the same situation. If that person say no is already a liar. I then said... who would understand and feel the pain I am feeling now though [angie] said she understands. It hurts to hear that I only have the form of a family but not the substance. Now reality hits again. I have kins like I don't have. I have to tell myself I am an orphanage. I do not have a family right at the start [angie] said over the phone. It's my wishful, naive to hope for a norm family. Till date... I still tears when I touch on this topic. Is it because I loved and given much, hence explain the great unspoken pain?
who do I have to be called my very own? cousins may love me but we all know it's different from a close kin's concern. They are so far away. The days at south bridge was horrendous fearful. I do not know would I be taken away. Now I do not know what's **** next move.. all these, there's no one I could turn to. Everyday I faced the 4 walls... during times of desperate, all I could do was to look at the stars above and cry my heart out, praying for some release of load..
I am afraid to go near to anyone, for I do not know would they leave me just like how these people are. It's hurts enough to know I am but nothing in the eyes of the woman who bore me. Whatever I did for her, my concern she treated it like trash and credited my deeds to her son solely. I don't really want to meet up any friends or even buddy... though I miss them so much so much... how? Will I ended up having no one around? Next year CNY I really don't want to go any visitation. All is but just for shows. I really detest it. How I wish I can now buy a ticket and fly to Aussie to stay..
I have given my very best... my all... and if the saying is true.. I'll reap what I sow.. may I ask, why then, am I reaping such a situation after years of pouring effort? I am the foolish of all man kind.. wishful hoping for a turn-around situation.. which will never happen. It's o-v-e-r. Only myself in this world - I keep reminding xuan
posted by xUan at 8:59 AM
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